Think of the worst movie you’ve ever seen. Then ask yourself if there could possibly be anything worse. The answer…..it’s right here. Mickey Hargitay is very lucky his voice was dubbed so he didn’t have to say any of the most asinine dialogue found anywhere. He’s more famous for being married for a while to Jayne Mansfield than anything else. His last acting role was playing a grandfather in the “Control” episode of “Law And Order:Special Victims Unit” in 2003. To make this even more entertaining the credits brag that it’s shot in Psychovision.
The awful soundtrack is the first hint that is going nowhere fast. It opens hundreds of years ago in the castle of the Crimson Crusader. He kills anyone he feels is impure. Finally he’s caught and tossed into an iron maiden. Of course he vows revenge.
Now it’s the present day. Horror book publisher Max Parks is scouting locations for photographing some book covers. Among the people with him are a group of babes known as The Cover Girls. They all drive up to a castle. No one answers the bell so Perry climbs a wall and lets them in.
Nobody home. Yes there is. The owner wants them out…now! Max says they didn’t mean to break in it’s just that no one answered the door. Oh okay. They get the nod to stay overnight and then leave in the morning. That’s all Max needs to hear.
There’s a long sequence where they take the cover shots. The soundtrack gets even worse. Then it happens. Perry is under a spiked device that hangs from the ceiling. The rope breaks and Perry is now a shish kabob. One of the girls, Edith, sees a painting on a wall. She recognizes it as Hollywood muscleman actor Travis Anderson (Mickey Hargitay) who suddenly disappeared. Amazing but true.Hhe’s the mysterious owner of the castle.
Now things get really nuts. Raoul and Suzy go to the basement to fool around in front of the iron maiden. Travis is getting steamed at the invasion of privacy. He has some servants with him that are supposed to be good with bows and arrows and like to wear striped shirts.
Rick (Walter Brandt) is getting suspicious and sends one of his guys to get the coppers. With that arrow through him he’ll be driving in circles for quite a while. Edith finally confronts Travis and his story comes out. Then…..he goes real psycho and is costumed as the Crimson Crusader.
What goes on from here on out is so amazingly bad it’s almost impossible to believe someone didn’t stop this before it was too late. One sequence has Hawaiian babe Kinojo trapped in a spider web of wires. A poisonous fake spider is moving towards her. If any of the wires break an arrow will be released. Perry decides to crawl under it and rescue her while a horrified Edith looks on. At this point you can take the dog for a walk since Perry isn’t the fastest rescuer in the movies. By the time you get back and Fido is too dried out to lift his leg towards the screen or whatever you watch this on, Perry was too late.
Okay. Now Hargitay takes over and this is one of the most embarrassing things any actor or near actor has ever had to do. You may even find yourself feeling sorry for him. Maybe you should see it if you’re in the mood to make total fun of a movie. You may even be glued to it until it mercifully comes to an end.